10 Years With a Guy I know

Today is the first day of the 11th year of my partnership with Dave.
From the very first day, our relationship was our own, to do as we pleased with.
In spite of the rough patches, I believe we have done that.
Those familiar with me know of my tendency to process via the written word, so here are my thoughts after a decade, take 'em or leave 'em.

We are married, but because we didn't seek permission from anyone, not a church or a government or a parental unit, we are Common Law married, and so there's no certificate or church register or any of that bullshit. I should thank my digital calendar, I think I would have forgotten our anniversary date a dozen times by now if it didn't remind me every year! LOL I loved our little ceremony at Ledges, with family and friends and food. It was a great start.

It hasn't gone all to plan, of course. In fact, the plan didn't even last the first week. We certainly didn't plan on getting pregnant with our eldest child before we even had our honeymoon. That honeymoon is still waiting to happen. I won't say I regret it's lack, a marriage is not the honeymoon. I wonder sometimes though, what a honeymoon would be like.
I digress.

We've loved, we've fought, we've forgiven, grown and loved some more. We had one kid, and thought, "that was intense, but cool, lets do it again!" And had a second. That effectively cured that bit of madness, and we've stopped.

The kids are pretty cute, if I do say so. Expensive fuckers though. America has lost it's damn mind, and every pregnancy and birth set us back so far economically, that it's not an exaggeration to say we've still not recovered, and they are 6 and 9 now. That's added stress to our marriage, in ways I've not enjoyed. It was tempting to take the frustration out on my partner, "If you just made more money, if our insurance was better...." But the truth was always that the deck was stacked, and not in our favor. #SinglePayerNow

In spite of that, we kept on. Whether it was walking off a job, pregnant and on the other side of the Mississippi, or starting a small organic farm with toddlers strapped to me, I always knew Dave had my back. Because he always does. That's not nothing.

We chose to keep our own names, for various reasons. The kids have the my last name, it's come up in discussions with them as they've come into contact with other families and learned about the "norms." The youngest has indicated he may change his last name to Dave's one of these days. He's got time yet to think it over and make the best decision for himself, we'll support him either way.
(No, kindergarden isn't too young, I changed my name in Kindergarden and have never gone back, but I never legally changed it.) Anyway, I highly recommend keeping your name, for anyone considering it.  Neither of us had the hassle of a name change, which it is a hassle ladies, don't believe for a second you'll get it changed and things will go smoothly and you'll never have to think about it again. I entered into a contract with another adult, there is no legal reason to change names to do that. The common practice of changing names to do that seems weird to me.

Our contract is unique to us. Another practice I highly recommend.
"Love is patient, love is kind.."
*BARF*
Here's a snippet of our vows:
BECKY: David, will you cause her anger?
DAVE: I may
BECKY: Is that your intent?
DAVE: No
BECKY: Jennie, will you cause him anger?
JENNIE: I may
BECKY: Is that your intent?
JENNIE: No
BECKY: *To Both* Will you take the heat of anger and use it to temper the strength of this union?
BOTH: We Will
BECKY: And so the binding is made.

We promised to cause pain and add burdens to each other. We have done so. We promised also to ease the burdens and share the laughter and love of life with one another. We have done so. Privately we promised to stand back to back against zombie hordes if the end of the world comes. Don't mess with us, we're both trained in weapons.

I speak lightly of pain and violence, but I want to be clear that we have never let our anger spill into physical violence. One or the other of us may walk away, far away. But we always circle around and come back and talk some more. That's not nothing.

I will say we've definitely gone to bed mad.
Hi, my name is Jennie, I have a temper and hold a grudge forever, (Leo.)
We go to bed mad all the fucking time. Usually though, it's the same bed. From the twin mattress on the floor of our first house, through co-sleeping with milk/pee covered babies, through surgeries, illnesses and fights and everything else, we sleep together. Sometimes, I wake up still mad, *shrug* I don't owe anyone de-escalation, and if it's not right, it's not right, and I'll hold on to my anger till it is.
I thought I was marrying someone who could handle the heat. And mostly, I was right. Sometimes, I wake no longer mad. Love has a way of crowding anger out of a heart when it blossoms. And sleep has a way of showing the absurdities of arguments based on toddler-parents-being-tired.

I'm trying to think of other tips to share. Our arrangement is so unique in some ways...
Most of our baby-time was spent with Dave as our stay-at-home-parent. I feel like American society has come a long way in that department. The kids' docters and schools have always handled it gracefully, I thought, Dave may have other impressions. If anything, it was parenting support groups that didn't support the arrangement. So many were "Mom" specific, that Dave often felt isolated. Reach out to your Dad friends, they could probably use a kind word from a friend.

We eat together a lot, as a family as often as we can. Although, this is another spot where America stacks the deck against us. Most of the time there's only one of us feeding the children the meal in question, and the other of us is working. Dave feeds them Breakfast and first lunch, I feed them second lunch and Dinner. Because, the only way we can make ends meet is to work opposite shifts. That reached its peak right before Logan started school, with Dave working overnights and me working days. I cannot stress enough how horrible that was. If there's anything the past 10 years that I can unequivocally say it almost ended our  marriage, it was that period. If you are considering such an arrangement, don't do it. Find any other way possible, and don't do it.  I'll go even farther and say that as a country we need to seriously reconsider how many of our workers we're asking to work overnights. It's not just emergency folks anymore, and it's not healthy for a society to stress so many workers in this way. But I was speaking of dinner. Our family dinners don't look like the ones I had as a child, but we work with what we've got. And if I walk the kids down to Dave's store for dessert afterwards and good night hugs, that's America for ya.

We don't get a lot of date nights. All the marriage advice says to make time for them. We would have loved more dates, but there was often not enough money to pay for a sitter and a meal out. So they often didn't happen. I'd like to say, we did stay-at-home dates! They were wonderful! But it's not true. If we stayed at home we had an often-interrupted tv show, perhaps a drink for one of us, and one or both of us passed out asleep before finishing either the drink or the show. That's not a date, that's Tuesday night. This continues to be a challenge as we pass the decade mark. America doesn't value child care or parenting breaks, so as a society it supports neither. When the high schoolers want 10$ an hour to watch the kids, and one of us doesn't make much more than that at work, it quickly becomes absurd to try to go out when we realize we are spending most of a week's pay to go out for an evening. We joke that it would be nice to get a divorce, so we could go out more often. But it's half way not a joke either. The parents we know that have time for dates, have an ex-spouse (or two) to drop the kids with. (Or retired, healthy and close parents.) That's not a sustainable way to save a marriage. It's a struggle.
I'd love to explore more non-nuclear-family living arrangement and see if my hypothesis about more adults bears out. Co-house with another family. Add another adult to our marriage. Live with an adult sibling or cousin or nephew.  Something, anything, that increases that adult to child ratio and see if that eases the raising-children burden enough to allow for healthy marriage upkeep. If I get the opportunity I'll keep y'all in the loop.



Finally, speaking of family arrangements, I know some of you clicked through because you are curious if I would say anything about the open part of our marriage. We consider ourselves Polyamorous. We've both had other partners over the last 10 years. Some more serious than others. I was poly before I started dating Dave, and he had had poly relationships before me. I've never really been monogamous as an adult. More than that, I am a woman who spends most of her time with men. I work as an engineer in the construction field, it's a rare day when I'm *not* the only woman on the job site. I'm the only woman on my engineering team. I'm a dancer, and I mostly dance with men. This was true before my marriage and I was clear that all of that would continue to be true after marriage. So jealousy and possessiveness are not traits I have the time or inclination to deal with. I love freely, bigly, and muchly. My love for my second child doesn't decrease the love for my first born. It's the same with my adult relationships. Does it make things more complicated? Yes, it occasionally does. Is it worth it? Yes, I believe so. Love is always worth it. It has gotten more interesting as the kids age. Now they ask questions and want to know what's going on and they form their own relationships with our metamours. I find it endlessly fascinating.




Life will of course continue on. Our eldest will hit 10 next spring, the crushing weight of baby care and toddler raising are behind us. (While my body may occasionally ache for another baby, I refer you to the previous mention of the economic disaster that is childbirth in America. As science is my witness we will be having no more babies.) The more cerebral challenges of middle school and teens are ahead of us. Hopefully we have at least another decade of loving and laughing together to look forward to. Even if we don't, if one or both of us grow away from this partnership, I have no regrets about loving Dave.

It's been a hell of a ride babe. 💓💖😍

Why I Won't Move to Oklahoma, or Kansas, or Texas..

The list is actually quite long, of states I won't be moving to in this great country I call home. Some folks might be curious about why. So here's the break down.

Some are for religious reasons. Did you know 6 states still have laws on their books that bar atheists from holding office? I'm not going to fake an interest in a make-believe being just to get involved in civic governance as is my right as an American citizen. So that takes the following states off my list.

• Texas
• Tennesse
• South Carolina
• Mississippi
• Maryland
• Arkansas

Oklahoma gets a special mention in this category because GOP lawmakers there have recently introduced a bill that would restrict marriage to Christians and Jews. HB1125, check it out. As in, atheists, muslims, etc need not apply for marriage; so sad, too bad, you weren't needing that status for health insurance or tax purposes were you? Better find yourself some jesus and get to a church. Because, in addition, the bill would bar all judges and other secular officials from performing marriages in Oklahoma. So people who just need a quiet, quick ceremony are out of luck too.  That does not endear the state to me, no matter how many of my relatives are there.
Kansas likes to shove religious nonsense into school curriculum so they get an honorable mention too.

Some are off the list for reasons that are tangential to religious reasons, namely their war against women's reproductive rights. And, no, I don't buy for one precious second that these abhorrent laws are based on safety for women. You want to look at women's safety? Check out the rates of death by botched abortion and note the point on the graph where women finally had court mandated access to safe legal abortions. (Hint: Roe v Wade was decided in 1973.)
Women's safety is certainly not maintained when researchers say nearly 200,000 Texas women have lost access to contraception, cancer screenings, and basic preventive care, especially in low-income, rural parts of the state. All in the name of "safety." So spare me that.

So, with that little bit of clarity behind us, here are the states that I won't move to because I'm a woman of reproductive age and controlling my fertility is of vital importance to my economic and physical well being.

•  Oklahoma - Yes, unfortunatly OK tops this list, as it has the highest number of laws restricting women's access to abortion and that has affected the number of women's clinics, making all other health services hard to come by.
• Kansas is high on this list too, so in spite of its close proximity to family, it's out.
• Louisiana has family in it, but again it's out. (Plus, they like to elect felons, what is up with that?)
• Missouri climbed this particular graph in a dramatic way this past year, it was in consideration before that happened. Oh well, too bad. 
• Texas .. oh Texas.   When I say this state is a war-zone, I'm not just talking about the 100 mile radius surrounding the border. They are waging war against the health of half their population. Texas Health and Human Services estimates that the state will see almost 24,000 unplanned births in the coming year because of the cuts to services.  That will cost taxpayers a pretty penny, up to $273 Million is what the THHS says.  I'm so not interested in joining that party.

(The data in this chart is primarily sourced to the Guttmacher Institute).


 It's really too bad. I wish I could move closer to extended family, there are a lot of them I really miss, but I'm not interested in rewarding the lawmakers of these states. If they are going to pass laws hostile to women, and/or hostile to secular Americans, this woman is not going to move there. Period.

They don't deserve my brain power, they don't deserve my skills or my payroll taxes. They don't deserve my sales taxes, my fees, fines or permit dollars. Fuck 'em. 

It's perhaps a small thing in the larger picture of state budgets, but they are my small things, and I still have control over them, so I'll decide where they go.

Oregon, Vermont and Washington, why do you have to be so far away?
-Jennie

Does it Matter How I Pay the Bills?

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Right now I work (indirectly) for a large multi-national corporation. One of the largest. You know their name, and you know the pet food that the plants I support produce. They are interchangeable with any number of other large corporations, producing goods that I largely avoid, so I'll keep their name to myself, it's not germane to this discussion. So why do I work for them? I don't care about their products. I don't care about their brand. In fact, I think the corporation represents a lot about what's wrong with the current situation in America.
The short answer is I needed to pay the bills.

The longer answer brings up my massive student loan debt, my need to prove (to myself) that the Computer Engineering degree wasn't a waste of money and time; and really, isn't germane.

I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want my brainpower to go to a large corporation. I don't want my entire life's work to boil down to "I kept 5 pet food plants running 24/7."  Because, let's face it, a lack of efficiently produced pet food is not one of the larger problems facing my generation and those that follow.

There are problems that I see clearly and feel strongly and passionately about solving.  Problems of food production, food access and food security.  Problems that I don't want to relegate to the 3 hours of free time I have every week. When I find myself doing research or reading, it's rarely tech related, or automation related. 9 out 10 times, I'm researching a farming or food question. Farming is suffering from the same population problem that the rest of the country is facing, aging quickly with not enough young working-age people to keep things going. It's one thing to have not enough automation professionals, it's a whole nother thing for a country to have it's food production experts age out without replacement. Demand is not going to wane for food, and without enough producers we'll end up with more and more of the hellish confinement feeding style operations as the few remaining farmers try to produce enough food for all of us. This country needs more young people to take up hoes and get on tractors. I think I can answer that call.  I think I can do it and make a living too. So I'm going to try.

I can see myself getting involved in the on-farm research that Iowa State University and Practical Farmers of Iowa help organize and fund. Mostly though I just want to grow vegetables. Wholesale is an option, farmers's markets are too, so is a CSA model if I can get people excited for my brand of organic food. Of course, this is all assuming I can grow the food. I manage to largely meet my family's vegetable needs with only the spare time I have between my other two jobs. I'm hoping that with more hours a week to dedicate to it, my output will scale up accordingly. I'll have new obstacles, and I'll need to learn a new skill set as I cross that boundary between gardener and farmer. I'm aware of that. I can't shake the feeling though that now's the time. Social safety nets are in place, I have a good chunk of my youth and health still, and I want to set my family on a path that will mesh better with our life goals and quality of life needs. It doesn't even mean that I have to leave my technical skills behind. Modern greenhouses use a bit of automation, as do most aquaculture setups. Both of which I could see myself getting into. Or tablet/phone applications to help farmers keep track of which field got planted when, with what, cross referenced with expected output vs actual production numbers. Anyway, the business plan has been started. Budgets for the next 3-5 years have been started. I have 3 acres of tillable land near Boone, IA that my best friend owns and wants to grow vegetables on. I have been accepted into the PFI Beginning Farmer Savings Incentive Plan, (more on that in another post.) So, now is the time to DO THIS THING!

But, yes, this will be a change in our lives. A large change. That's sorta the point.  There are aspects we don't like in our life right now. And change is not scary to me. Risk can be scary, and there is some risk here. But, I know what the risks are if I don't change anything. I have a pretty good idea of what the outcome will be if I choose cubicals and factories for the next 25 years. All I have to do is look around the office at the people who have been programming for 15+ years. I'll become adapted to the life of cubical fauna and gradually lose my health and fitness. It's not a hard stretch to see where that leads.

Metabolic disorders have become the #1 killer of adults.  High blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes, these sorts of things now kill more people than all the communicable things like flu and pneumonia.

I'm so not interested in going down that path.

Can I try to live my life by a different metric? Instead of worrying about billable hours and corporate facetime? Can I work hard and measure success by happiness levels?  Because it's not the hard work that's the problem, it's the metric I'm currently using to define a successful week that's a problem. I'm one of those people that goes crazy if I'm not working, but it's also become apparent these past 5 years that I go a little crazy if I don't get enough outside time, and time with my hands dirty.

"There are some who can live without wild things, and some who cannot.  These essays are the delights and dilemmas of one who cannot.  Like winds and sunsets, wild things were taken for granted until progress began to do away with them.  Now we face the question whether a still higher 'standard of living' is worth its cost in things natural, wild, and free.  For us of the minority, the opportunity to see geese is more important than television, and the chance to find a pasque-flower is a right as inalienable as free speech." - Aldo Leopold 

It's also become clear to me that I go a little crazy if I feel my work doesn't have enough meaning.  I do care where my brainpower goes, it's not an insignificant thing to me. I place great value on this strong, logical, crazy, creative, never-still brain of mine and the problems I solve day in and day out need to be worthy of it, or I feel like I'm slacking off.

A lot of words since the title question, but the gist is: It matters to me.

Some of you might be wondering, am I doing all of this because I'm a doomer?
Yes and no. All of the reasons above would still be here even if I thought the bright modern world wasn't about to come crashing down on us. I do think that it's all going to come crashing down though.  A stable successful automation career depends on cheap reliable grid energy. None of the plants I've done work in could operate on spotty power, generator power, etc. And since our country has an electrical grid that's old and in desperate need of re-organizing, strengthening and 10 years worth of maintenance, that makes me nervous. Our Civil Engineers rank our grid and energy infrastructure at a D+ in 2013. (link) Why would I risk getting specialized in a field that our country seems unwilling to support? Why put my family's wellbeing on the line by staying in a career path with prerequisites that are a few points away from failing? The pendulum has swung a long ways towards automation; employing fewer people, using more energy and machines to do what hands used to. I think we've reached the zenith though, and the pendulum will be swinging back the other way. I really honestly think we're headed towards the point where human power will be much cheaper and much more reliable than grid power. Automation won't make sense in that environment, not like we see today. I'm not going to stick around to wait and see if my predictions are right though. I'll be specializing in a skill set that won't need as much grid power to make a product, and won't need as many rare earth minerals or travel by air for a successful career.  If I happen to be wrong, I may make less money, but I'll probably be healthier and happier. If I'm right, I've dodged a canonball that will destroy the careers of many a tech worker.

 One of the hard facts of our present predicament is that the steps that have to be taken to get ready for the future bearing down on us all require letting go of the privileges and perquisites that most Americans consider theirs by right. A few years ago, I coined the acronym LESS—Less Energy, Stuff, and Stimulation—to summarize the changes that we’re all going to have to make as things proceed, and began pointing out that any response to our predicament that doesn’t start with using LESS simply isn’t serious.

I’m pleased to say that a certain fraction of my readers have taken that advice seriously, and tackled the uncomfortable job of downsizing their dependence on the absurd amounts of energy, stuff, and artificial stimulation that are involved in an ordinary American lifestyle these days. I’m equally pleased to say that an even larger number of people who don’t read The Archdruid Report and don’t know me from Hu Gadarn’s off ox have gotten to work doing the same thing. Those people are going to be in a much better position not merely to weather the crises ahead, but to help their loved ones, friends and neighbors do the same thing, and potentially also contribute to the preservation of the more useful achievements of the last few centuries. Still, it’s hard work, and it also requires a willingness to step outside the conventional wisdom of our society, which claims to be open to new and innovative ideas but in practice tolerates only endless rehashings of the same old notions.  -Archdruid

I, of course, have no proof that this is the right choice to make right now.  Nobody I know has a working crystal ball right now.  Maybe in 30 years time I'll be selling carrots to the next crop of tech millionaires and wishing I'd stayed at my computer. Right now, I'm betting not though.

Living boldly is also not being forever strong and fearless. You can live boldly and still have weak moments, emotional meltdowns, failures, self-doubts and plenty of 3:00 a.m. fears for the future. (Ask me how I know.) Living boldly is what you do in spite of all that.
Living boldly is creating your own life in your own way, even if you’re depressed, discouraged, defeated, and downtrodden. Even if you fear — or are downright dead-solid certain — that the whole damn world is doomed.    -Claire Wolfe

Is it really a good time to get into food production?
Stay tuned, I have a post that answers that question too.
-Jennie

1st Day of Kindergarten - Rowen

He's going to do great.  He walked in to his classroom with his usual big smile. He gave the teacher a big hug, then hung up his backpack and found his seat.  I'm sure he's making lots of friends, because really, he's never met a person he didn't like.

There's always that worry, did we do enough? Will he thrive?
Here's hoping he does. 

Send him good vibes today and tomorrow. He's out in the big world.  Expanding his horizons.
Go baby go!
-Jennie

Beautiful Bits

I know, I'm a worrier.  I'm a downer. I see the world through my doomer glasses, most all of the time.  That doesn't mean I don't have beauty in my life. It doesn't stop me from enjoying that beauty. And today, it won't stop me from sharing some with y'all.  Enjoy. (I'm sure the next post will be back to doom and gloom and atheism.)

Here are a few of my creations this spring/summer. The bits of beauty I try to fit into a hectic life.

I'm working on some sandwich board signs for my market stall. Here's the first one done. This is two quarter sheets of outdoor grade plywood. Sanded, primed, painted with 4 layers of chalkboard paint, and some exterior "patio paint."  I have screwed in hinges at the top, and a chain to keep it from sliding all the way open.  The chalkboard was a pain to paint, it was never going to get as smooth as I wanted it. But even so I think it turned out ok. Very pretty, and functional.

Here are some pretty garden shots. This is the view from my newest garden.  Peaceful, in an Iowa monocrop sort of way. :-)

 And the kitchen garden has a pretty new addition, thanks Mom!

Some of the garlic, looking fresh. This garlic has now been harvested, and is on my front porch curing.

Here are some cute kids, I helped make them, so it counts.

Of course I let him chalk on the new sign board. :-) He helped paint a couple parts.

Some of my recent Mixed Media work.  This one is an oil painting with fabric decoupage so far. May do a bit more painting on it. Some falling Matrix like symbols in gold? Some mehndi style swirls? Still trying to make up my mind.

 This medium sized square one is meant to pair with the larger one above. It too is an oil painting with fabric, but yo-yos this time. Still a WIP, but you can maybe see where I'm going with it.

The itty bitty one is going to pair with a painting I won in a silent auction this spring.  All four together should give us enough to shake up the art work in a couple of rooms.

I'll have to find a new place to get my art supplies, before I embark on the next round.  All of my canvases came from the local Hobby Lobby store a year or so ago. You can guess how often I'll be returning there.  Anybody got any good internet craft suppliers? 

How are you incorporating beauty into your life? Share in the comments if you like.
-Jennie

Collecting Children

I've had the urge to adopt for awhile now. I know I love children, I know I'd love to raise a little girl and I know I don't have the time to play roulette with another pregnancy, hoping it's a girl. Thus the urge to adopt. So I follow a few adoption oriented blogs. One of which recently posted with some thoughts about the Marion IA gal with 15 kids, 8 of whom were adopted from Africa, who just died in a car accident. It shouldn't surprise me, the adoption community, especially the uber-Christian one, is kind of a small world.  

After reading the post, about the shock the adoption community felt to have lost a mother, I wondered, are there any among the adoption community that sees this as the terrible situation it really is? That husband now has 15 children, a couple of which are special needs, and no one to stay home with them and raise them, as he has to work.  Is there any talk in the adoption community about the morality of continually adopting, past the point of a dozen children? It's only possible from 3rd world nations where they don't care about things. And only possible with the encouragement and financial assistance of Christian organizations. No adoption agency in America would let another child go to a home that already had 14 youngsters. For just this reason, among others. 

Sure she left a legacy of love, the service was standing room only.  But that won't get that family very far, the husband literally can't even transport all the kids by himself, much less raise them on his own. They've all been homeschooled, so none of them have experience with even the simple routines of leaving the house for school, even if the dad could physically get them there. Every one of those children is now stuck in a terrible situation. The eldest are likely going to have to raise the younger kids themselves, probably foregoing the last of their homeschool education to do it, no matter what their transcripts say. What a great thing to do innocent children. Oh...wait.. not really.

The adoption community, and the Christian groups that funnel money into it, really need to see this tragedy as what it is. Christians playing the savior, and collecting children like they get more grace points for it, nevermind the consequences for the children in question when things like death or illness come along.

I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but the enablers of her children collecting are not dead, so I'm directing this at them.  Did they think that with enough children and enough prayer, the family would be spared the normal realities of life, like sickness and death, that make 15 children problematic? Probably, it would match the other crazy things Christians like to believe.  Is the community going to step in to raise those 15 children? Probably not.   I'm sure they'll pray for them though.


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Speaking of kids in a bad place, I'm going to boost the signal on this group, a little bit.
1000 kids.  A foundation seeking to open Iowa homes and hearts to 1000 of the unaccompanied minors at the border. If every state would take in 1000, the humanitarian crisis would be well under control.

-Jennie

Strong Women

A bit of poetry for the end of this week.  It's been a rough few weeks. Our savings has been going backwards, my job has been just as stressful as ever and I'm having to break in new ground for my vegetables because of the crazy lady and the girl scouts.
There have been some bright points though, Rowen got a new bike, a tag along that hooks onto Dave's bike, and he LOVES it. He was a happy little kid.
Logan is learning words, more every day, and continues to be just the sweetest little guy.
I've been painting and running and biking and doing some yoga to try and offset the hard work and stress.
Half of the Mother's Day cards are on their way South. Got to finish the last few though.  :-)

This poem spoke to me, and I thought I would share. I know a lot of strong women in my life, and I'm humbled that some consider me one. Enjoy.
-Jennie



"For strong women"

A strong woman is a woman who is straining.
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing Boris Godunov.
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn't mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears
in her nose.

A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren't you feminine, why aren't
you soft, why aren't you quiet, why
aren't you dead?

A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you're so strong.

A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.

A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.

What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.
-Marge Piercy

How Have Thigns Been Lately?

I know, I know, the blog has been quiet lately.
There are multiple reasons for this. I've written a couple of posts that didn't get published. They were mostly written for me. But I may publish them later, as certain break points get closer.

The short story is I'm not really happy with how my life and work are aligned right now. Dave and I have exciting goals for this year, in relation to this disconnect. We're going to make some changes. Some changes will be more drastic than others. Some changes I can't talk about yet, because we're not ready for them to be public knowledge. Most of the changes will happen in late fall/winter.

Life is too short to suck it up and deal. Not that I'm not doing some of that. But you know what I mean. If somethings not working, I'm the type that wants to try to fix it.

The high level breakdown is I want job #3 to replace job #1. It will mean turning a hobby into a fully fledged business, my own business. It's a hobby with a decade of practice and a hobby that I find myself more and more passionate about as the years pass. It's a hobby that I'm used to documenting and tracking; numbers and money. The passion will help, and I'm quietly confident in my skills.

I am doing lots of number crunching right now. We have savings goals for the next year, broken down into month goals.
I have business planning to do. I'm taking an online course in the type of business planning I need. (This is another reason the blog has been quiet, my personal online time is more focused on that class and the work I'm doing to set us up for next spring. In fact, I should be working on my homework right now. :-D) New tax forms I need to get familiar with so I document the right things this year and next year.
Moving expenses plus start up expenses. Ouch.

Is it going to be easy? No.  Is it guaranteed to work out? No.

Does any of that mean I'm not going to try? Fuck no.

So, that's how things are right now. :-D

On a lighter note, seeds are already sown for spring, I have onions and leeks in my little greenhouse doing their germination magic.
We bought a new car! Well, new to us anyway. It's a 2011 Subaru Outback. The boys have plenty of foot room, Dave doesn't hit his head on the roof of it, and it will handle more of the things that I like to haul around, and more of our leisure activities.

The boys are growing bigger by the day. Rowen is excelling at his preschool work, and we're trying to figure out how we want to do Kindergarten. We homeschooled the preschool, and since we're probably moving before next spring, we are likely to home-school the kindergarten too.  Logan is practicing all his words, learning new ones every day.

Hope all is well with all of you.
-Jennie

Some of the Delicious Food We've Been Eating

We have been eating well here in NW Iowa. I wanted to share some of the recipes, for anyone interested. As well as a batch of recent pics. Here's a shot from Thanksgiving, we're pretty low key about it.

Roasted Pork. This one was fun because I used dry sherry for the first time. Turned out really good. RECIPE it's called Chinese Roast Pork, probably because of the soy sauce and ginger.  We used a big 4lb tenderloin instead of the shoulder that recipe calls for. Mostly because I thawed the wrong piece of meat. Still good.

Orange Sweet Potatoes
I can't find the recipe we used for this. But we made thick coins out of some long skinny sweet potatoes. (Skins removed) We layered them in a pie dish, (prettily, because this was for Thanksgiving) and put in orange zest, some orange peel, and butter and brown sugar. Then we baked them for 40-50 minutes until the sweet potatoes were soft.

Cranberry and Citrus Salad
I boiled a cup of cranberries in some water and sugar with a cinnamon stick. Not long, just a few minutes. Then I poured the hot syrup and soft cranberries on top of a bowl of nicely cut and arranged citrus slices. I had grapefruits, oranges, and clementines in mine. Put in the fridge to chill.

Of course I've made my annual batch of Pumpkin Chip Cookies. We've had endless varieties of apples/butter/oatmeal. Various soups. I had a GREAT crop of leeks this year. So we've had a couple versions of my usually made up on the spot Potato Leek soup. 

Now Yule is coming up fast. We may need to switch things up and do a chicken for that holiday, I'm a little bit tired of pork. :) Dave has informed me that stuffing is de rigueur if chicken is to appear at a holiday meal.  lol

From NW Iowa, me and the family wish you and yours all the best. May your new year be a bright one! Full of good food and family.
-Jennie

Missouri Vacation!

Well, we made the journey to Hannibal MO over labor day weekend. All 4 of us strapped into the FestivaCivic. lol

And we drove.. and drove.. :-) We arrived so early at the campgrounds we couldn't even get into our cabin. So the boys played on the playground equipment and we had a pleasant picnic lunch.

 The meadow behind the playground had a couple of young deer in it when we showed up, Rowen got a kick out of watching them bound away.  We did eventually get into the cabin. It was a great cabin, I'm so glad we went that route. I didn't get any pictures while Dave's family was with us for swimming and dinner, his sister is a shutterbug, and I'm hoping she shares those pics soon. Here are the boys at breakfast time the next morning.

And here is an exterior shot of the cabin. Mark Twain Lake has GREAT cabins, I can't rave enough about how great it was.

We left the lake on Monday and went to Hannibal for the Mark Twain Caves. I love me some spelunking. I may have abandoned my geology dreams, but my love of rocks and caves and dirt remains. :-D We took the easy hour tour, what with the toddler and 4 year old lacking experience underground. They mostly enjoyed themselves. Logan got bored about 80% of the way through. :-D

 Logan stayed in the sling the whole time, this is one of those caves that's a maze of passages, and our little one is such a fast escape artist, that this was the ONLY way I was going to take him underground. It worked out really well.

 He's chewing on the top to the glow stick necklace, not the glow stick part, just the plastic bit where the stick attached to the necklace. The glow sticks were a good idea, but ruined one of the tour stops where the guide turned off all the lights. :-D Our little group was still glowing. Oh well.

 Logan was telling me something here... who knows what.

Isn't Rowen a cutie in that one. :-D
We had a lovely dinner at a park overlooking the Mississippi river. Again our camera went unused as Julie captured the time with her lens.

A parting shot here of Rowen as Tom Sawyer.

Yay for vacation trips. Hope you enjoyed the pics.

-Jennie

Gardening, and vacationing!

The gardens are coming along nicely. Even if I just planted part of the lower garden Sunday. That "lower" garden plot is called that for good reason, and it has been more creek-like than garden bed for most of this spring.  But, I got a couple of hills of squash planted yesterday and a hill of watermelon, and there should be sufficient garden season left to see those to maturity. I think I'll make one more hill this weekend in that plot and stick the Butternut squash there.

Radishes are in harvest mode, as are the green onions and lettuce.  Salad season! Mmmmm.
I have so many radishes I'm going to try to make a radish relish. :-D

We went on family vacation this past weekend. We all had a ton of fun.

I love sharing pictures, so here are some of my favorites from the trip.  Baby boy is 14 months old, and Big boy is 4 years now. 

 

Have a great summer y'all!

-Jennie

The 97%

I heard on the radio this morning that 97% of all American homes have cable/satellite subscriptions. The cable companies are worried, because 2 years ago that number was 99%.  My heart goes out to them.

Seriously though! My little family hasn't had a TV or cable subscription since 2009. I hardly feel "cut off" or "out-of-touch." I get 90% of my current event/news through the radio, and yea, I'll admit it, that's heavy skewed towards NPR, because I get the most news for my 30 minute drive time. Local stations do some talk/news in the mornings, but then I have to sit through the fart jokes and inane banter to learn that a local manufacturer is letting 100 people go. The rest of my news comes from blog reading and occasional Daily Show episodes.

We do watch some "TV." But, not through the legal and heavily commercialized methods. (Hulu, Amazon and Netflix streaming, things like that.) We're pirates. Straight up. We stream from independent sources everything we want to watch. No commercials, no country boundaries, we like our limited viewing time to be self directed, and free from commercial messages. We watch a bunch of BBC shows, and have been known to check out Australian, Irish, New Zealand and Canadian shows too. There are even a few American shows that have a writing level above the 3rd grade and subject matter than doesn't offend us and we'll watch those occasionally. We watch a lot of documentaries, and cooking shows, with a healthy smattering of adult animated shows, (Adult Swim type stuff, Bob's Burgers and Archer and Southpark, etc..) Come to think of it, we're not even bound by the current year of programming, Dave watches reruns of Dr Who and Red Dwarf from the 80's.

The toddler watches a lot of YouTube cartoons. He watches train cartoons in Russian, and an animated  toddler show called Pocoyo in Spanish. He loves to watch kid-made videos with Thomas the Train toys. He loves the old silent Pink Panther cartoons too. And the classic Donald Duck stuff.  Between the ad blockers on our Linux Mozilla browser, and the methods we use to watch programming, I'd say Rowen has seen only a handful of actual ads in his first 4 years of life. That does make me happy, even when I would rather see him with a book or outside. :-D

Dave and I don't see many ads either. And we don't watch any of the mainstream news.  (And yes, Fox is as mainstream as media gets.) It makes for a surreal experience when we go to a friend or relative's house and get a dose of actual TV programming. It's really weird.  The commercials seem hyperbolic, and disturbingly repetitive. The "news" shows seem more cartoonish than anything else, with their equally hyperbolic pitch and the spastic pop-ups selling other TV programming, and those weird scrolling tickers with random twits of information. I'm always itchy to turn it off after the first 5 minutes of it.

I'm telling you folks. CUT THE CORD.  If you want to live a simpler, more productive life, CUT THE CORD.  If you want more time for projects and exercise and family, CUT THE CORD. If you want to lessen the corporate and governmental influence on your life, CUT THE CORD!

You'll likely go through a withdrawal period as your brain, your habits and yes, even your hormones, adjust to the quieter, slower, more pleasant pace of self directed media consumption. It's totally worth it though. Your wallet will thank you, your butt will thank you, your brain will thank you, and perhaps someday your children will thank you.

Live your life folks; watching shows on a TV doesn't count as a life, it barely counts as an activity. Mostly, it's just brainwashing, and a waste of your hard earned money.
-Jennie

On STRIKE!

No, not me. Not hubby either.
Baby Logan is on a nursing strike. He's only 9 months old, so it's a little soon for all out weaning.  But, Saturday morning saw me getting a lot of chores done. I noticed that afternoon that he wasn't nursing, so I tried to slow down and offer him a couple of nursing sessions. Both consisted of him screaming bloody murder as soon as we, "assumed the position."  By Saturday evening I was in a bit of pain and resorting to pumping. The strike continued through Saturday night and Sunday and Sunday night. 
Monday dawned on a tired Mama and Papa and a hungry fussy baby.
I'm still pumping, trying to keep the milk flowing until he decides to nurse again. We think he has some tooth pain going on, so maybe if that wanes a bit he'll feel more like nursing. He is taking some milk by bottle. He's only got a few days though, and then my supply is going to go down, even with the pumping.  Mostly because pumping just isn't the same as a nursing baby. My breasts can certainly tell the difference.

In spite of the nursing drama, I did get some stuff done on Saturday. Namely the new shelving that Mom snagged for me went up in the craft den and immediately helped clear some of the overflow-clutter. I'm trying to get my fabric supplies tamed enough that we can shoe-horn in some homeschooling supplies or displays.  With Rowen about to turn 4, I am working on making him a board where we can put his chore list and learning schedule for each month. I'd like for that to hang someplace not high traffic.

Jon asked in my last post, "why homeschool?"

Well, the simple answer is because it works for us right now. It's all about the money flow.  Dave doesn't work outside of the home right now. If he was to try to find a job, it would need to pay substantially more than what it would cost to daycare a 9 month old and an almost-4-year old. Those are some hefty costs, and so far he has not found anything that meets that requirement, so he stays home. We certainly could put Rowen (the 4 year old) into some sort of local preschool. I'm sure there is something locally that wouldn't offend us. But, Dave is still going to be at home, because of Logan. So, it makes more sense for us to just homeschool the preschool stuff, and save ourselves the time/tuition money.

It's entirely within the realm of possibility that when Logan is ready for pre-school we'll be living somewhere that Dave could find work in his field and maybe at that point we can weigh the merits of sending the boys to public schooling so Dave can work. But, we're not in such a location right now, so the cheapest thing to do is keep everyone home.

I got some sewing projects done this weekend too, I'll try to get some pictures snapped for some sew and tell.
-Jennie

Family Ties

It's been a busy new year.  Mostly in a good way.

The boys vacillate between playing with all the new toys and chomping at the bit to be out of the house. 

Can we go outside now?

I was able to attend a wedding for a high school friend this past weekend.  It was across the state, in Cedar Rapids, but totally worth the drive. My parents watched Logan for me, so I could go have some adult fun. The wedding featured as one of my goals for the past few months of weight loss. I wanted to be able to grab an outfit from my "Too-small" box of storage clothing, instead of buying something new to fit my baby-weight. Total success. It feels so great to say in the first half of Jan that I've met my weight loss goals for the year.

A note about weddings, I'm not sure when the practice of abandoning the wedding so the bride/groom/entourage can go drive around in a limo and take pictures became common practice, but I have to say I hate it.  The ceremony was lovely, Dr Who was a prominent theme. :-D :-D  And afterwards the guests were invited down to the reception area, and then the wedding party disappeared for almost an hour.  I caught up with a few friends, and drank some wine, but really, would have been happier to talk to the couple that I drove 6 hours to see.  Oh well.

Mom and I got some time to chat during the weekend visit, which was nice. I mentioned that Dave and I are going to start saving soon to move in the next couple of years. Likely to Missouri. She seemed concerned about it, and then questioned me if I really thought Dave's family was going to be able to help us out more if we moved down there. Which made me chuckle a little bit. The thought that the relatives further up the tree are going to be helping us is so far from my thinking that it was funny.  I don't expect to get much more help from any of our family, from either tree. We got a bit of help with setting up cloth diaper supplies when Rowen was an imminent arrival.  And we continue to get lovely presents at holidays from most relatives, that do help in small ways. But HELP help? Nope. Not anywhere in my plans. (Just like I don't expect to receive any inheritances or property from the rapidly aging extended family.) We're headed south so WE can help THEM.  As well as get us closer to my family, again so we can help them. On one hand I feel like this isn't an uncommon thing for my generation, and on the other hand, I feel like it's a lot of weight. Family sizes are significantly smaller for my parent's generation, with 2 kids being the norm, instead of the 6-8 kids my great-grandparents enjoyed. That means the pool of cousins/siblings that I have to work with is small. It doesn't help that a sizable percentage of that small pool are addicts to drugs or alcohol or shopping. I don't mean to imply that I'm some saint either, I have my battles I fight, just like everyone else, but at least I'm supporting myself and my family and paying my bills, and the percentage of cousins/siblings that can say the same is running slightly less than 50%. It's the micro-version of what's happening on a grander scale nation-wide. How exactly my generation is going to care for our top heavy aging family trees remains to be seen.  I plan to eventually house a couple of aging family members, to care for them that way, since I don't expect to be able to pay for a care facility. Whether or not my small pool of siblings and cousins are thinking similarly, I don't know.  If they are anything like the rest of Americans I'm sure they are giving it very little thought. In some cases that's because they are busy trying to support themselves and I can understand that. In other cases though, I fear it's egotism and self absorption. Maybe some time and living will see that abate.  I can only hope.

Speaking of the aging family tree, this week also saw a proposal shot down.  I have been concerned for some time now with my great-grandparents. They live in the middle of no-where Louisiana, they are 90+ years old, and starting to slide a bit in the cognitive and physical areas.  They don't have much in the way of care. My grandparents live 2 house down, but aren't much better off physically.  And no-one in the family can seem to do anything about the situation.
No society in the world treats their elders as poorly as we do.  As long as they are fit and spry and RV-ing around the country, it's fine, but the minute they start to need care, it's either abandonment or a ticket to a facility. The good ones are of course costly, and the cheap ones don't bear thinking about.
I'm not claiming that my family has abandoned the Great-Grandparents, but why is Great-Grandma the one taking care of Great-Grandpa? Why is nobody helping them get some care? Great-Grandma is of course stubborn, and insists that she's fine. The problem is of course, that things could go from fine, to NOT FINE in a very short amount of time, and the results could be tragic.  Will probably be tragic, if the family continues to let her push away help.
I proposed that we ship my little sister down to be live-in care for them as they approach the end of life.  Yes, the sister that struggles with alcoholism.  She is the only member of the family with experience in Elder Care. She is also unique in that she has no job, no family and no pets tying her to Iowa right now.  That is due to a variety of reasons, but mostly the alcoholism.  My father of course argued that we shouldn't give her any help until she proves she's past the alcoholism. I think that's a shitty opinion. Thankfully, I'm no longer a dependent of my father, and his opinion doesn't shape how I spend my time and energy. I don't think she is going to heal faster if we give her nothing but neglect, isolation and tough love until she somehow proves herself.  I happen to think that meaningful work, and purpose, and caring for elderly loved ones could be very beneficial to her, and help her fight the battles that every recovering addict has to fight. I argued hard that it could be beneficial for everyone involved, including the extended family who might save thousands of dollars in Dr/Hospital/Care facility costs. To no avail. Great-Grandma claims she's too old to have someone move in, which is just about the most ironic thing I've heard in awhile. Grandma said she would be nervous about Melody being there, and while I can understand and sympathize, it's still disappointing. It seems like other cousins get help after help after help.  But, maybe I don't have a clear view of things from a half a continent away. Maybe things aren't that unfair.  And maybe there are plans in place to handle Great-Grandparent's decline, and it's just not being shared with those of us living in Iowa.  And maybe not.

Anyone else have bright ideas or solutions to the personal side of the baby-boomer population bulge?

-Jennie