Tuesday, December 27, 2011

News From My Womb

This is a personal blog, I'll be back to politics, peak oil and TEOTWAWKI soon enough, but allow me a slight detour.
We found out last week that baby #2 will be a boy.  He's healthy and happy, which are blessings, I know. I can't stop mourning though.
Let me explain, I can pinpoint the exact moment I realized I wanted children.  I had always been lukewarm about the idea as a child and teenager. I knew I wanted a career, I knew I wanted travel, and love and all those things, but I wasn't sure about bearing children.  At most I thought perhaps I would adopt a couple when that time came. I had a dream when I was 21, that changed my mind completely.
Dreams, I know, very illogical.  Trust me, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my dreams, they are usually vivid, and I always remember them in the morning, but I know they are mostly brain dumps and subconscious thoughts.
This dream was different.  Very short and to the point, for me. I held my daughter in my arms. She was new, tiny, a nursling. She had dark hair.  She spoke to me, and said, "Mommy, I love you."  I explained that she couldn't be talking to me, she was too young to be talking.  She said, "Mommy, I know you needed to hear it."

That was it.

In my heart I always hoped I'd get to hold that little girl.
Maybe it's egotistical, but I think I'm a pretty unique woman.  I hoped I'd be able to pass that on in some way. Whether it's hunting or fighting or logic problems, I wanted another female to bond with and send into the ranks of Strong Women Battling the Hordes of Injustice. Lately that's mellowed to include cooking and sewing and dances and cute dresses with flowers in our hair.

Maybe this is better though. I've never gotten along well with most women. I don't seem to have much in common with a lot of them, and I have little patience for the bizarre things they find compelling.   Even with my own mother, it took awhile to find common ground.  We've found it, with sewing, and of course mutual love, but even so I know we don't look on things the same way. Maybe that daughter would never have been the woman I wanted. Maybe we would have been just as estranged as I find myself from most other females.  That would have been hard, so maybe this is kinder.

Maybe I can use that energy to take care of myself, and make pretty dresses for me.  Maybe I can mentor or foster or adopt. Maybe there are girls out there that will need that space in my heart.  I can't know, there's no way to know.

I do know 2 biological children is all I want.   We could try again and again, but there's no guarantees, and it would probably ruin us financially.  We'll do one of those more or less permanent birth control options as soon as he joins us.  We will be happy with our boys, and I will love them fiercely.  If I shed a few tears over their Y chromosome, they'll never need to know that.

1 comment:

fullfreezer said...

Wonderful musings. I never wanted to find out before hand whether my children were male or female. As long as they were healthy, I made a conscious decision to love them no matter what.
Congratulations on your healthy baby. Love him. Maybe your little girl will come when you least expect her.